What follows is a list of life lesson taught to me through my years of gaming. I hope that girl gamers everywhere can learn from my experiences.
1) “I will skullfuck you with your own hip bone” is not the proper response to losing.
2) Slapping someone in the face is not the proper response to getting hit with 14 power weapon attacks.
3) Laughing at someone’s failures, why enjoyable, is not to be continued for more than twenty seconds.
4) It is not appropriate to ask your opponent if his balls hurt after a victory.
5) Throwing dice across the room in a rage is a good way to put someone’s eye out.
6)Enthusiastically shouting quotes from Pokemon or Yugi-Oh during a collectable card game gets you thrown out of tournaments.
7) Throwing glitter at Blood Angels players and telling them your love can never be is cruel on multiple levels.
8) People who play Slaaneshi Marines are to be avoided at all costs.
9) Shouting “Waaagh!” never sounds as cool as it does in your head.
10) Always claim to have a boyfriend.
11) Threatening to “Come across the table” is not the Games Workshop approved method of ending games.
12) Nobody cares how awesome your models are painted if you’re wearing a low cut top.
13) If someone askes you Horde or Alliance you cannot respond with “What’s that?”
14) In the event of failing #13 you shouldn’t end the upcoming hour long explanation prematurely by saying, “Do you even have a job?”
15) If you make someone cry you should always buy them candy.
16) Being on a team does not mean you should use the others as distractions while you do the important stuff.
17) Being on a bad team does mean you should use the others as distractions while you do the important stuff.
18) Accuracy is never as important as volume of fire.
19) Volume of fire is never as effective as accuracy.
20) I die a lot in first person shooters.
21) There is no substitute for good old fashioned pouting.
22) Tweaking someone’s nipples in the middle of a game invites terrible terrible repercussions.
23) Strip Munchkin is never a good idea.
24) Except when it is.
25) Grand strategy is no substitute for cold hard math.
26) Except when it is.
27) Psycannons are for pansies.
28) Getting shot by Psycannons hurts.
29) Playing the healer and then demanding monetary compensation for each heal you hand out is a good way to lose friends.
30) There is no substitute for grinding. Hard, mindless, boring labor is the only way to get ahead.
31) Hitting the buttons in the right order is more important than being a good team player.
32) Aggro is a terrible thing that, by all rights, should always be in the possession of others.
33) Respawning is much less fun when you have to walk ten miles to your body.
34) I dislike MMORPGs.
35) Ragequit is a viable tactic.
36) Never stop laughing. It makes everyone else nervous.
37) Whisky and Wargaming mix surprisingly well.
38) Whisky and table top gaming always ends with me having to make a new character.
39) There is, generally speaking, no excuse for my behavior.
40) Don’t touch other peoples’ dice.
41) Don’t touch other peoples’ models.
42) Things to chew on: straws, toothpicks, gum, tootsie rolls.
43) Things not to chew on: opponents, space marines, small dice, super glue.
44) “I glued my teeth together” means the same thing as “I forfeit.”
45) I am supposed to feel bad about more things than I actually do.
46) Telling an opponent’s mother that he called me a cunt is being a sore loser.
47) Everyone likes Dr. Pepper but me.
48) I will often go thirsty during long gaming sessions.
49) X-Box Live is no place for anyone, no matter how old, no matter what lifestyle.
50) I should be ashamed. Honestly. What is wrong with me?
