We’ve all experienced it. We walk into the car dealership and it happens. We buy a house, and we are subjected to it. Sometimes, we post an article about Space Marines on a blog and a nice man is kind enough to inform to us exactly what we don’t know.
Thank you, sir, for mansplaining that to me.
Mansplaining is a common ailment affecting men from all walks of life, no matter race, color or creed. Certain environments, such as sports bars and garages, can exacerbate the condition exponentially, but no area is truly safe from the malignant disease of the mansplain.
WIkitionary defines “Mansplain” as “To explain (something) condescendingly (to a female listener), especially to explain something the listener already knows, presuming that she has an inferior understanding of it because she is a woman.”
And it is a shame when it happens to gamers, but it does, a lot.
There’s often this assumption in gaming circles that, when a woman walks into a game store, she’s someone’s girlfriend, that she’s buying something for her boyfriend. When she wants to play it’s assumed by many male gamers that she’s new, or needs the rules explained to her, or is going to play in a certain way. This often results in the dreaded mansplain. Let’s look at some examples.
“I’d like to point out that you’re viewing space marines and the imperium as a progressive society when it is extremely religious and conservative. They are completely resistant to any form of social change and kill anyone that opposes them.” – Mr_Maxime from our Comments section
There is, in this statement, an assumption that I did not know that the Imperium was religious and conservative, somehow, despite the fact that I write for a gaming blog and have been playing Warhammer for years. Now, while it’s true that he didn’t necessarily know that I’d been playing for years, the statement came with the conceit that I was not properly informed as to how the Imperium works due to my views on feminism. This makes it mansplaining.
“Games Workshop has stated that you can make your own Space Marine chapter ( So if you want to make a all female “Space Marine” chapter… ) go for it. Had the writer really looked into the official rules for the game and the ‘openness’ of the chapter rules, she would’ve seen that her dissatisfaction here really holds no weight.” – Elderon
Thank you, sir. I sincerely appreciate that you assume that, since I was writing a 1600 word article on my dissatisfaction with Space Marines that I had never read their codex. Again, I didn’t offer any specific examples that I had read the codex, such as complaining about Marneus Calgar being extremely overcosted for someone without a 3++, or talking about how using the Salamanders hero was such a boon in the tournament metagame of late 5th edition due to his ability to allow his army to reroll all melta shots. The thing is, these topics weren’t relevant to what I was talking about, and I didn’t feel like anything of the sort needed to be mentioned in a topic about gender discrimination, but I had completely forgotten about mansplaining.
I can’t believe it skipped my mind that I would have to defend my position as someone who knows what they’re talking about because it would be assumed I had no clue due to my gender. This happens all the time and there’s no escaping it. Whether it’s a mechanic ignoring what I’m saying to tell me what he thinks I want, or another player looking over my shoulder and reminding me how Turbo Boost works on my Deffkoptas, there is this running idea in the heads of many men that women are new to this male dominated part of society and will need things explained to them.
Most of the time, when this happens, it’s well meaning. The guys are just trying to help who they see as a new person who might be confused, and they want to make them feel welcome. They’re just trying to help. But remember how annoying it is when someone tells you how to do something you already know how to do, or starts screaming, “Jump, jump here! Right here!” while you’re playing a video game you’ve been playing for years. It’s god damned annoying, and it’s condescending as hell, and it happens to women every day.
The gaming community, when it comes to women, is a mixed bag, but is generally much more accepting than other male dominated areas like sports or cars. Male gamers, more than any other traditionally male group, like women and want them to join in and have fun. This isn’t always the case but I am optimistic and have had much fewer encounters with overt misogyny or chauvinism in geek culture than I have at, say, a gun show, but it doesn’t stop the mansplaining from happening with annoying regularity, and often completely unintentionally. “Now Carrie,” some of you might say, “If it’s unintentional then how can I stop? I’m just trying to help!” Luckily for you there’s a way to stop this behavior in its tracks.
ASK, DON’T TELL!
Don’t tell a woman what to do, or explain something to her without being prompted. If she looks confused ask her if she needs help, or what she’s looking for, and then listen to her needs and respond. Listening is absolutely the most important thing. There is nothing more annoying than asking for help and then having your needs ignored as someone explains all about stuff you didn’t mention. Consider the following examples.
A female gamer is looking at a bunch of figures on the wall, and seems caught up trying to pick something. A male gamer approaches her in an attempt to help.
“Hey, if you’re looking for a cool army you should check out Dark Eldar. Wyches are these awesome female gladiators who can totally murder stuff!”
“I’m actually not looking for an army, thanks.”
“Oh, did your boyfriend need something? What army does he play?”
“Leave me alone, asshole.”
The male leaves, pissed off at the angry bitch he was just trying to help, and the female stays, annoyed at the asshole who assumed she must be either new or buying for her boyfriend.
In this example the female gamer was mansplained to, resulting in a caustic reaction. Let’s try again, but by asking and listening.
“Hi there, did you need any help?”
“Yeah. I was wondering whether I should get Ghazghkull or a KFF Mek and an extra nob squad. With the new rules for Fleet I think a guaranteed maximum distance Waaaaagh would be really handy.”
“Oh, cool! I’d go with the KFF myself. That 4+ cover save all game can really save your bacon.”
The male and female have now become friends because no one made any undue assumptions based on gender. They were polite and cordial and not assholes. Hooray!
Look at how much better that went. Mansplaining sucks, and it can be avoided provided men simply think things through instead of jump to baseless conclusions. On that note, this happens to men too, though not as often, through gender role reversals, like when a man is trying to bake a cake or raise a child. There is one more point about mansplaining that it is necessary to make, though.
Mansplaining to a woman about how you’re not mansplaining to her is the worst kind of mansplaining and it needs to be stopped before it starts. Just don’t. Anything that starts with “I respect women but…” or assumes without evidence that the male in the conversation knows more than the woman because she’s a woman, is condescending and unacceptable, and this is doubly true for mansplaining itself. Trust me when I say that women know more about mansplaining than men in the same way that bullied kids at school know more about bullying than the bullies do. There’s a huge difference between doing it and experiencing it.
And finally, I’m just going to throw this out there, in sharp staccato points so I can be done with it. This is for you, Maxime.
“I guess I don’t understand why its inherently wrong for them to create a misogynistic universe or focus on male customers.”
Anything purposely inherently exclusionary is purposely inherently wrong.
“You’re simply assuming that it is a product of the creators own misogyny, but writing a holocaust story does not make one anti Semitic nor does including slaves in a story mean the authors want to exclude African Americans.”
Writing a holocaust story where the heroes are Nazis is Anti-Semitic. Writing a story where the protagonists unapologetically own slaves without negative consequences is racist. Writing a story where the protagonists are misogynists committing misogyny is misogynistic.
“People don’t ask Cosmopolitan to include more guns or tips on picking up women to the few male readers they might have.”
Cosmo is goddamn terrible and the idea that women wouldn’t be interested in guns or picking up chicks is pretty awful too.
“There is nothing wrong with writing for a specific audience nor does it imply contempt for those that are not part of their target audience.”
It does when the contempt is backed up by exclusionary hiring policies and a record of marginalizing those not of your primary demographic. Separate but Equal is bad or did you not get the Plessy v Fergusson memo?